Bonnie Granola Part 1

Our experience in a Natural Childbirth Class.

Back in 2010, we walked into a room where the chairs had been placed in a circle... a woman with long stringy hair, even longer uninhibited boobs, and baggy pants greeted us; her name was Bonnie.  Bonnie proceeded to explain that she had provided snacks so that we may "replenish ourselves, and drinks so we may refresh ourselves; the restrooms were around the corner so we may release ourselves in whichever type of release mother nature called us to do." 

I immediately grew concerned. 

I checked the snacks. Snacks tell a lot about a person. I mentioned I only saw granola and fruit, to which John replied... “that is because this woman is all granola”.

We were eventually given “birth is normal” stickers to put on our name tags and we began to meet our classmates.  The most interesting couple was Edgar and his Baby Mama. Edgar’s Baby Mama reports her favorite hobby as "drinking beer but not right now." 

In order to create intimacy among the group, Bonnie Granola had us introduce the couple next to us.  I introduced the husband of our neighbor couple as a fly fisher. Come to find out, that is not true a statement, he does not fly fish. Listening has never been my strong suit.

We then read and rated a list of statements from 1-10 depending on how strongly we agreed or disagreed with them.  John, my sweet husband who (still) moves at the speed of a very small snail and analyzes everything did not have time to finish reading his statements. Snails do not make rash decisions and therefore John does not feel comfortable rating the remaining statements anything other than a 5, meaning maybe/maybe not.

His quest for integrity could be applaudable in some circumstances, but this was certainly not one of them.

John quickly realizes his mistake when we learned we display our answers to everyone by physically moving our bodies along a numbered line on the floor. The time came to rate our last statement... "Knowledge of birth and birth procedures help empower women to make more informed decisions."  The entire class moved to the number 10 on the floor, everyone that is, except John. John didn’t have time to read the statement and therefore he did not feel comfortable agreeing with it. John moved to the number 5 spot on the floor.

Everyone stared at John.

Hi! It is so nice to meet all of you. This is my husband John and he is a jerk who likes to demean women… maybe you could come over for a cookout sometime soon?

In his defense it probably isn’t the best practice to agree with statements you haven’t read, but in his not defense (can we say this? Is that a thing?) it was a dead give-away, the easiest question of them all. We were standing in a BIRTHING class littered around us were pictures of bras and uterus’s, any question about empowering women was going to be a resounding yes.

Only John said no.

The answer is 10 John.

Bonnie Granola spent the next 5 or 5,000 (I lost count) awkward minutes explaining why John's stance was wrong. We all should have answered with a 10. As she explains this the rest of the class continued to stand on the other side of the room from John and stare at him while she talked. I mean really? Who brought that guy?

We continued on for the next 2 1/2 hours holding back tears of laughter as Bonnie Granola lead us through the normality of labor and birth. 

Bonnie Granola drew a bell curve and explained the typical woman labors 15 hours. John asked Bonnie Granola when labor starts. Bonnie Granola replied that he asked a good question and one cannot say for sure. “Some people say labor starts when they feel the first contraction, others when the contractions are a certain time frame apart... there is no definite answer.”  To which John replied, “So your numbers really mean nothing."

The other men laugh and I look down trying to avoid eye contact with anyone else for the remainder of the class.  I make a mental note to forbid John from speaking in class ever again.