My Open Letter to Netflix
Dear Netflix,
I hate you.
We are living in a constant state of pandemonium.
Surfaces are safe to touch; surfaces are not safe to touch.
We should all save our masks for the medically fragile; why in the world aren’t we all wearing masks.
Take these 431 vitamins for your immune system; no… what are you doing… do not under any circumstance take those vitamins or Tylenol for that matter, you will die.
Exercise, being overweight puts you at risk; for goodness sake stop breathing so much when you exercise.
And in the midst of all this Netflix you think it is an appropriate time to premier The Floor is Lava?
I call foul and I want ALL MY MONEY BACK.
Sure, it seemed cute at first. A fun game show we could watch with our kids. No one was naked, no one was drunk, and we were free from possible political outbursts. How naïve we were. Forty-five minutes after watching teams of three race against the clock and jump around your lava filled studio my house transformed into mayhem. The real insult here is that I ALREADY THOUGHT we were experiencing utter chaos. The reality is our days look much more like Lord of the Flies than June Cleaver, so you can imagine my despair when the tv clicked off and suddenly our house progressed to a level I had never seen before. The kids looked at each other with knowing eyes and all at once screamed “THE FLOOR IS LAVA!!”
“I’m sorry what???”
Within SECONDS our couch was dismantled and laying strung about our basement floor, a toy basket that had been collecting toys since 2010 was upturned in the name of safe lava passage. Y’all… there were kids scaling my walls using the chair rail as support. THE CHAIR RAIL. Look, I don’t know why chair rails are even a thing. Honestly, who decided this?
Hmmm… I know lets put a really thick strip of wood in the middle of the wall, it will be good spot for chunky home owners to jab their muffin tops on.
I digress, but let me go back to what I do know. I do know chair rails are NOT for walking on. Only… they were… and those wide eyed crazed kids most certainly did.
Look, I know what you are thinking… “You’re the parent, just parent this… tell them no”. And I completely agree with you in a world where I have one child who listens to me nicely while I calmly explain the reasons certain things are ok and not ok. But that is not what is happening here. What is happening here is 4 kids and a dog that frequently pees on the kitchen floor. I DARE YOU to come over and do it better.
Darting lava in what was once a bedroom
Last week I was outside with my two youngest when my 5-year-old took a basket of “we don’t know what to do with this so we put it in here” items up to the top of the playset and turned it over with a satisfied grin. “What are you doing!?!?!” I bellowed as tiny pieces of cheap plastic toys floated all over the mulch in our yard and our neighbors nervously peaked out of their windows to see the commotion.
“Mom… can’t you tell?!? You better move because the FLOOR IS LAVA!”
Thanks for nothing Netflix. I hate you.
Sincerely,
Kelley Eanes